Tomorrow will mark my final day of bartending class, with what I hope will be a financially affluent move back into the beverage service industry. While I am looking forward to putting my newly attained skills out there, I honestly don't feel excited about it. I am pleased to be able to rattle off close to 90 different drink recipes, name a few dozen call brands and proprietary cordials. I am comfortable making them properly and at a reasonable speed while maintaining a smooth flow. I am fairly certain I am in the top three of my class in terms of accuracy and knowledge... But I'm not excited. I'm not nervous for the test, but I am nervous for what comes after the fact.
Assuming I ace this thing (something I am counting on and aiming heavily for), I will get a letter of recommendation from the school's instructor. That, I'm hoping, will carry a fair weight in applications and interviews. However, what I do know, and what truly bothers me, is that my employment break is coming to an end, but I don't know how long it will take for that end to come.
I like working, I like making an income to pay my bills, living expenses, and covering my emergencies.
I also haven't brought in enough money while working over the past couple years to do that very thing.
I've been in crunch survival mode for so long, that if I get the sudden windfall that I 100% need at this point, I'm not sure what I will do with myself.
Work, obviously, but beyond that, I don't know.
My car needs more work than I have money for right now, my pet spent the last year emptying what I was able to save and beyond that.
I owe so much to so many, that even if things kick off to a grand start, I expect to be working off 2012's casualties for most of the year.
That's how it feels, but that's not how it is.
I am afraid that things will go in an excellent fashion.
It's not that good things haven't happened to me, but the rewards have rarely been financial. When it comes to working for income, I've always had to fight tooth and nail for a pittance. Two jobs, 60 hour weeks, $30k in a year (a long ago example). I realize there are those who work more for less, even in 'Merica, but while that's a living wage, that's not a schedule that is healthy for a person. Dropping the two jobs for one made me a healthier person in weight, mental mindset and happiness (all incredibly important) but as a consequence, I ended up making sub-poverty level to the point where even going back to two jobs couldn't keep me out of the pit.
So, if all that I've heard is true, I do well tomorrow and I end up someplace fantastic and actually make real money, I will have to change my whole mindset on how to live. I will (at some point) have to realize that I CAN go out with my friends, that I CAN buy my own health insurance and not worry about if that will knock me past my rent budget, that I CAN afford to not sit on my couch because I fear leaving the house will result in my spending money I don't have, because I actually WILL have it.
I WILL have to drastically change my responsibility set because I won't be selling plasma to cover my water bill, but because it's a unique way to save up for a trip out of town.
I was wrong, I am excited about a possible future, but it's that excitement that scares me, even if the test itself doesn't. Now it's time to get back to studying, I need that A tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment