Ego

One thing I never really comprehended growing up was the concept of ego. I suppose that's a failing on my part, but lately cases of ego seem to be happening all over. I may not even be using the proper term, but when it comes down to it, ego is all I can think of.
And from what I see, it seems to be one of the most damaging aspects of being human. It causes short sighted thinking, stalled or stagnated performance and an overwhelming anger and disregard for those it involves and so many around them.
Politically (which I'm just going to touch on and go, because it's such an irritant matter), I notice it most in the current gun topics that are going around. A wealth of mass shootings have occured in the past couple years and as a result, wingers (those on the edges of the political spectrum in terms of policy and opinion) see not so much a massive tragedy, but leverage for their own viewpoint to overwhelm the populace. Those who are for more legislation on guns start clamoring for more control and less availability. Those who advocate ownership use their perch to point out that a gun isn't causing the murder, it's the people. Those even more winged are like Nick Cage's character in Lord of War. They use the embattlement to further outlying causes, such as pushing for political change in one form or another. This is ego at its strongest and most damaging.
To me, it's all rather sickening.
Rhetoric and doublespeak serve their best only at confusing those willing to waver, but neither promote a healthy discussion or attempts at properly addressing the problems at hand. It's politics and ego holding hands and skipping down the yellow brick road to Neverland.

I prefer the ugly route. I prefer to lay everything out on the table, strip away the personal and look at facts from as many angles as possible. I may not like or agree with other viewpoints, but at least I'm not shutting them out and only bolstering those that suit my own. And maybe, just maybe, I will see something that can change my mind a little bit. It would have to come with reasonable facts in tow, it would have to be as unbiased as possible and it would have to be straightforward with little to no room for misinterpretation.
That alone would dismiss 99.8% of submissions for consideration. But I'd have to hope that at some point something would come along.
Scientific hypothesis and experiments are about not being proven right, but by being proven wrong.
If we, as a society, were to drop our egos and hope to be wrong rather than right. If we were to keep butting our heads against the stone wall, we will enevitably find the crack that will bring the whole dam down. I just hope that we're willing to accept that hurting ourselves is part of that process.

Manhattan's Drink Whiskey, Rob Roy Drinks Scotch

Tomorrow will mark my final day of bartending class, with what I hope will be a financially affluent move back into the beverage service industry. While I am looking forward to putting my newly attained skills out there, I honestly don't feel excited about it. I am pleased to be able to rattle off close to 90 different drink recipes, name a few dozen call brands and proprietary cordials. I am comfortable making them properly and at a reasonable speed while maintaining a smooth flow. I am fairly certain I am in the top three of my class in terms of accuracy and knowledge... But I'm not excited. I'm not nervous for the test, but I am nervous for what comes after the fact.
Assuming I ace this thing (something I am counting on and aiming heavily for), I will get a letter of recommendation from the school's instructor. That, I'm hoping, will carry a fair weight in applications and interviews. However, what I do know, and what truly bothers me, is that my employment break is coming to an end, but I don't know how long it will take for that end to come.
I like working, I like making an income to pay my bills, living expenses, and covering my emergencies.
I also haven't brought in enough money while working over the past couple years to do that very thing.
I've been in crunch survival mode for so long, that if I get the sudden windfall that I 100% need at this point, I'm not sure what I will do with myself.
Work, obviously, but beyond that, I don't know.
My car needs more work than I have money for right now, my pet spent the last year emptying what I was able to save and beyond that.
I owe so much to so many, that even if things kick off to a grand start, I expect to be working off 2012's casualties for most of the year.

That's how it feels, but that's not how it is.
I am afraid that things will go in an excellent fashion.
It's not that good things haven't happened to me, but the rewards have rarely been financial. When it comes to working for income, I've always had to fight tooth and nail for a pittance. Two jobs, 60 hour weeks, $30k in a year (a long ago example). I realize there are those who work more for less, even in 'Merica, but while that's a living wage, that's not a schedule that is healthy for a person. Dropping the two jobs for one made me a healthier person in weight, mental mindset and happiness (all incredibly important) but as a consequence, I ended up making sub-poverty level to the point where even going back to two jobs couldn't keep me out of the pit.
So, if all that I've heard is true, I do well tomorrow and I end up someplace fantastic and actually make real money, I will have to change my whole mindset on how to live. I will (at some point) have to realize that I CAN go out with my friends, that I CAN buy my own health insurance and not worry about if that will knock me past my rent budget, that I CAN afford to not sit on my couch because I fear leaving the house will result in my spending money I don't have, because I actually WILL have it.
I WILL have to drastically change my responsibility set because I won't be selling plasma to cover my water bill, but because it's a unique way to save up for a trip out of town.

I was wrong, I am excited about a possible future, but it's that excitement that scares me, even if the test itself doesn't. Now it's time to get back to studying, I need that A tomorrow.

New Year Blah Blah Blahs

I've never been a huge fan of "resolutions" if only because the entire idea behind them is contrived and stupid. It's why two weeks later your Facebook feed is inundated with the forwarded twats of "well, I gave it a try! LULZ!"
What most people don't get through their thick skulls and into the void of where their brain would most likely reside is that a resolution doesn't mean shit iff you aren't willing to make a permanent change to your life. Whether social, diet, exercise or what-not. Human beings are creatures of habit and heaven forbid if to put yourself in a better place you have to leave that comfort zone.
So, with that in place, here are the changes that I'm making this year to better who I am.
First off is regulating my diet. Guess what, there's an app for that. Last year ended with me having more physical limitations than I am used to, which became a certainty after a bold attempt at a 7 mile run on New Year's Day. I ended up walking the last two miles because my leg wouldn't have it. It massively sucks, but without insurance I can't change that medically, so I have to combat any resulting weight gain through diet. I log my food and keep track of my weight. It's easier than making the food in the first place, or at least placing an order.
Secondly, it's time to get out of this hole that the last 3 years have shoved me into financially. That means work, and you can't get work without skills, so I'm taking bartending classes. I'll take the time to actually network myself (my largest failing by far in the past with employment) and if something big lands on my front step, I'll jump at it instead of taking the "give it a month and see" prudence that has shafted me for so long.
Speaking of which, I've been living on a poverty level income for so long, that I don't see my expenditures as a whole lot, just my having an income that can't keep up with vet visits and car repairs on top of rent + utils (Seriously, I haven't paid more than $6 for a movie ticket in years and it's rare that I'll break the odd Hamilton after snacks). But the money is bleeding out somewhere, so I've gone to app-town again and snagged a finance calculator. Just like the food, it will help me keep track of what's exactly going on with what income I do get.
Selling plasma=money in my pocket. Or, to be specific, on a pre-paid CC that is sitting quietly off to the side until I get enough together to cover important expenses. Consider it low-key insurance that only costs me a couple hours of my time a week.
Will some things stay the same? Sure, not all is wrong, I'll ideally keep submitting stories to publications in hopes that something gets picked up (again), I'll keep the company of my running group and as long as I'm accepted, continue to participate in the off-Strip show that has let me ruin their acts for the past year+. At least as long as I'm in the country/state. Let's say I have no qualms about leaving my home for other places. Adventure is in my soul.

Of Special Value

Today marked my third time donating plasma this year, and Monday will be my last time in before 2013 officially arrives.
In all honesty though, this isn't donation, even though the company calls it that. The reality is I'm receiving monetary compensation for what they are taking. I'm selling the plasma.
Is this a good thing? Sure, it can be received that way. What they are taking is, as far as I've been told, being put into service for creating various medications that treat everything from high blood pressure to burn victims. That is certainly something not to feel ill about.
But when you bring the blunt, bare bones truth out, I'm taking part of myself and trading it in for money, and I'm doing it to supplement a meager to non-existent income. Without going on the streets, this is by all means the bottom of the barrel in terms of income.
I'd like to think of it in more optimistic terms, but the point is driven in every single time I go in to donate. The people in the chairs aren't there for the good of their donation, they are there for the money. They are there to cover the rent, buy another week's worth of groceries, and maybe pay off their credit cards. I may have cleaner clothes and no scarring on my veins (I'm presuming from a past life as I would like to believe that everyone there was honest on their questionnaire), but if I'm sitting in that chair, watching whatever movie is running on their TV screens, I can't be that different. Can I?

Thus it begins...

I suppose that the best time to start a new blog would be the first of the upcoming year. However, due to either my lack of patience or the fact that if I don't start this damn thing now (again for the third time - damn app doesn't auto save, which is blissfully idiotic.), it will most likely fade away and be logged with the other "great ideas that never made it out of my head." Which is something I very well can't let happen.
I was lucky enough to receive a new tablet with QWERTY dock for Christmas, and while it is likely something I never would have the foresight to purchase myself, the advantages of this over a traditional laptop are massive. I've been thinking about this for the past few years, with the rapid advancement of technology, this is the future. Long battery life, light weight and with the cloud as our friend, storage is a non issue. Now the only real hold-up is the cost of unlimited data streaming. While I'm all for capitalism, here's to hoping that the corporations greed doesn't completely ruin the common person's access to our greatest innovation.

Is it wrong that I secretly hope a solar flare whomps us on our ass for a few years so we can properly learn to appreciate what we have achieved in the past few decades? I think that's why I enjoy camping so much, it affords an opportunity to leave technology behind, at least after the batteries finally wear down.

With the holidays recently past, I suppose there is no better time to add how grateful I am for what I have.
First off, my parents have been incredibly supportive, both emotionally and financially, during what has most likely been the most trying few years of my life. Between several bouts of unemployment over the past 3 years, it is no small thing to say that I most likely would be homeless if not for them.
The love of my beautiful girlfriend, which I'm not always sure I deserve. She knows me better than is probably safe to let someone know me, and she still accepts me. As anyone who has been in a long term relationship can attest, the love of  another is just as fulfilling as the love from family, but in a completely separate way.
Speaking of love, I don't think I could have understood the word when paired with 'unconditional' until I got my dog. I can easily say that it goes both ways.
And of course my friends, cool enough to accept my idiocy, and honest enough to knock me down a couple pegs when my ego gets the best of me.

I don't mean to boast, but this holiday has really been good to me. Not only did I get to eat like a king amongst the best company imaginable, but their gifts showed just how well they know me.
My girlfriend hit the nail on the head when she got me a "Spirit Hood" of the Silver Coyote. To quote the inner lining, "Trickster, Humor, Cunning." It's how I've seen myself since grade school, not a lion, not  a wolf, not a unicorn, shark or dolphin, but a coyote.
Now that I think about it, among the ancient Greek gods, I suppose that would make me Loki...

Since words can be boring, here's a pic of my holiday cheer.